Numbers For September

I did masturbate that much or at least I didn’t seem to. I had a lot of 3-4 days gaps between masturbating, which I think is a sign of me becoming less addicted to it.

My total masturbation was 0,33 so 2,33 times a week.

I masturbated to porn on average 1,4 times a week.

So, I masturbated to porn 60% of the time, which is worse than last month, but only by a wee bit.

I’m back at Uni now. My girlfriend is still wanting to wait until she gets onto a pill that doesn’t try to turn her inside out, so we’ve just been playing with each other sans-sex. I’ve been counting our encounters (oral sex, handjobs, etc) as masturbation without porn because it’s sexual stimulation without extreme graphical images of extremely attractive women, even though I’m being stimulated by another person. I could count it as sex, because frankly they’re the same reasons I don’t count normal sex as masturbation. So perhaps I should count it a sex and not masturbation without porn.

Either way, I’m not totally happy with the relationship. I’m not massively attracted to her, but the fact is she’s just too nice and I don’t want her to be upset. So that get’s me thinking that it’d be worse to keep her hanging on. I would quite like to be the free, young man about town, hooking up with (or at least trying to) all the pretty young things out there. It’s my last year of Uni, and I just want to enjoy myself. I think for the first time in my life, I’m actually confused.

A Little Something on Anxiety

I was with my girlfriend last night and she was talking about her friend who is pregnant. She’s overly worried about getting pregnant, but it reminded me of something that has been in the back of my mind for quite some time. With my last girlfriend, mainly due to my inexperience, the condoms broke on a regular basis. If one hadn’t broken in a while I’d be constantly fearful of the one I was currently using breaking on me. We had two separate instances were I didn’t notice it breaking, I came inside her unprotected and she had to get the morning after pill. It’s one of the most heart breaking things to discover, after all that effort at intimacy, to have it shattered because a tiny piece of latex snapped, setting nature free.

Telling her was even harder. I remember my parents, teachers and sex-ed people, telling us in school to be candid with our sexual partners, to say if something like that happens so it can be sorted ASAP. I know that leaving it and not telling would be worse, but they don’t prepare you for impact the 3 words, “the condom broke”, has upon a relationship. We didn’t break up because of it, and we kept it to ourselves. Perhaps it made us stronger because of shared experience, but what I know it did was destroy my confidence in condoms.

I have only ever had unprotected sex twice with the same girl as she was on the pill. The rest of time time I wear a condom. After my first sexual relationship ended I hated condoms. Not because of some notion that they decrease pleasure or because they are extremely expensive (which they are for a student), but because I could not trust them. Every time I got close to orgasm my mind suddenly turned to thoughts of the condom breaking and me having to tell her that it had broke again. With my current girlfriend I often think the same, as I did last night, but with her there is a difference. There has only been one occasion when the condom has snapped when I’ve been with her. When we started to have more frequent sex I made sure that I was putting the condom on exactly right; I must have read the durex packaging 20 times. I used to just get the condom out of the packet, and with one hand slide it over my penis. Often this would mean that the tip at the end of the condom wasn’t visible or that there was an air pocket in it. These essentially made sure that the condom snapped when I sped up towards orgasm. Currently I use both hands; with my left I make sure my foreskin is back exposing the tip; I place the condom on top of my penis and with my right pinching the tip of the condom, the left rolls it firmly down the shaft. I make sure it’s all in order then enter her. This formula appears to be working so far, but it is taking me a long time to regain my confidence in condoms. My girlfriend’s going on the pill in a couple weeks. She still wants me to wear a condom. Personally I think it’s overkill, but I’m happy to placate her. But what this does mean is that I can afford to let go and stop worrying so much about the condom breaking. Her going on the pill gives me this leeway, which should be beneficial for the both of us.