Quite an interesting talk. The notion that the brain is always after “new mates” ran true to me. My pornographic tastes are always fluctuating, and I always find myself search out new porn. The weight of anecdotal evidence that’s now appearing with men speaking out against compulsive and addictive behavior towards porn is overwhelming. There’s even a group of people on The Student Room with the aim not to masturbate for the whole of 2013. I am seriously considering quitting for good.
I’ve been looking at my masturbatory habits for around a year and a half now so I thought it might be time to take a general overview of how I think everything has gone and how I should proceed. For November and December I masturbated to porn 7 times in each month. Previously it had only been a couple of times a month. I was thinking about this last night and wondering whether it was such a bad thing in grand scheme of things. My original reason for wanting to curtail my masturbatory habits was because of my sexual dysfunction of not being able to come to orgasm during sex with girlfriends. My frequent, regular and habitual masturbation had desensitised not only my penis, but also my mind to sexual intercourse.
Through self-reflection and self-discipline I believe I have solved this problem. Since I started analysing my masturbatory patterns and started to cut back and reduce my masturbation to graphic porn I have been able to cum whilst having sex with my sexual partners. From this singular objective I have been successful. I have become a sexually mature man and have shuck off the detrimental patterns of my teenage years. (Please excuse any psycho-babel, I have been watching series after series of Frasier).
I was watching a sex education programme a couple of weeks ago. It was produced in the early 2000s and presented by two female sex therapists (I forget the name of the show). The topic of the programme was masturbation, so I thought it would be worth a watch. One point they made early on was not to think of masturbation as masturbation, but rather as “manual sex”. Whether with a partner or on your own they considered masturbation as sex first and foremost. I’m not completely sure I agree with them, but I thought it was an interesting idea I would share. Also during the programme they did an informal survey of male masturbatory habits. Almost all the men they interviewed masturbated multiple times a day, sometimes upto four or five times. When I started to become concerned I was masturbating at an average rate of 0,8 times a day, which compared with the above statistics appears minimal, and compared with how I’m doing now I almost appear celibate! I have no idea how much the average man in the UK masturbates and usually distrust figures that claim to attest to such knowledge. Either way it seems to me that I have my masturbation under control, and in such a way that it does not affect my sex life; which is the whole reason I started this quest.
My foray into tantric masturbation has been the result of a bit of mission creep on my part, but I think it could be something to look into if you have the time and patience. Being in my third year of University it is difficult to find the free time, peace and quiet (living in a house with three other guys) to meditate and progress. The distinction between orgasm and ejaculation in this (and other) disciplines is a helpful one to learn and get used to if you want to enjoy masturbation or partner sex with some ‘added extras’. Frankly ejaculatory control is an excellent tool to have in the bag if you can master it. Another important thing I’ve learned from this is about kegel/pelvic floor muscles. The regular exercise of the ‘clinching’ muscle (the one you use if you want to stop urinating mid-flow) is often recommended to women who suffer, or are likely to suffer, from incontinence. For men it is also used for the same reason, but a strong kegel muscle can also be used to enhance sex. This is done by using the muscle to regulate orgasms and prevent ejaculation. I won’t go into detail here, but search around and you’ll find plenty of information to do with ejaculatory control and kegel muscles. Despite learning interesting ‘sex tips’, I wouldn’t recommend tantric masturbation for someone who thinks they are suffering from a similar dysfunction as I was. It is tricky and could lead to you becoming obsessed with reaching the goal of multiple orgasms rather than becoming a sexually mature man, as you may have simply shifted your compulsive pornographic masturbation to compulsive tantric masturbation. “HANDLE WITH CARE” would be my disclaimer.
Next I’d like to deal with a few things that castimonia said in a comment on a previous post. Firstly I’d like to say I have really appreciated his insights and comments on this blog, but a couple of differences on our approach to this have surfaced and I think it would be helpful to point them out. In the first paragraph of the comment he talks about remaining “abstinent from ANY sexuality for a period of 30 to 90 days” including sex (of any kind) with a partner. My goal here it not to destroy or eliminate my sexuality, far from it. My aim is to enhance it. I have done masturbatory abstinence periods before, but all I found them useful for is proving to myself that I didn’t need to masturbate regularly or frequently. Admittedly this is good knowledge to have and is worth doing, but I don’t think it is necessary to sacrifice your entire sexual existence. A period of abstinence from masturbation (particularly from pornography) is helpful and I would recommend doing it for a period of around 21 days or a month, but if you are a single man or in the early stages of a relationship allow yourself the ability to have sex. So long as it is not compulsive or obsessive you should be fine.
On the second paragraph I do agree that my mind has been warped by pornography and the sexualised media of our time. Truth be told I have become more attracted to her, but I do think the relationship may have run it’s course. The second point I also agree with if I was searching for a compatible life partner. I have been with and met women who were gorgeous, but with awful temperaments and personalities. If I was after a long term relationship I would put personality over looks, but as it stands now, that’s not what I’m after. I believe I can allow myself a little vanity when it comes to choosing a girlfriend. I’d like to congratulate castimonia for getting married and I hope he has a happy and fulfilling life.
In the third paragraph he mentions sex not just being about orgasms. The reason I do most things is because I enjoy them and it is the same for sex, and dare I say, masturbation. Because I am not in the same kind of relationship as him I feel we have a different approach to the “goal” of sex. To him it’s an affirmation of love and commitment, but to me it’s about the raw pleasure and thrill that sex brings. I don’t mean to say that one is better than the other, simply that we think about it differently, and a young single man shouldn’t miss out on the opportunity to learn about himself that sex with a partner brings. Without sex I would never have considered my masturbatory habits to be compulsive or obsessive and be spurred on to curtail them.
THE array of women’s birth control developed in the last 50 years reads like a trip through Willy Wonka’s factory. Patches or pills; rings and coils; injected, implanted or inserted, women have more options than ever before to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancy. Which makes the lack of progress on male contraception all the more striking. Men today rely on the same two methods they had in the 1950s, vasectomy and condoms. But vasectomies are drastic, and lads often claim that condoms are fiddly and spoil the mood. The burden of birth control, then, rests squarely on women.
That may at last be about to change. A new drug, called JQ1, has proven to be a foolproof male contraceptive—though the males in question are for now murine, not human. JQ1 began life as an anticancer treatment, but it caught the attention of Martin Matzuk at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas. Dr Matzuk noticed that the gene it targets is similar to another, called BRDT, which is only active in the testes. By turning other genes on and off, BRDT governs the production of healthy sperm. Mice with their BRDT gene removed are sterile, and a study from 2010 found that European men with mutations in BRDT are more likely to have reduced sperm counts.
When it binds to BRDT, JQ1 accomplishes a similar effect temporarily. As Dr Matzuk and colleagues report in Cell, male mice given a relatively mild doses of JQ1 for six weeks showed an 89% drop in their sperm count, and the sperm they did produce were terrible swimmers. In the final month of testing, those which received a high-enough dose of the drug did not beget offspring, despite the fact that each was provided two receptive females and all displayed normal male desires, while mice not on the drug were fathering two litters a month.
Crucially, these effects were fully reversible. Once taken off the drug, the males reverted to normal sperm counts, sufffered no permanent damage to their reproductive organs, and sired typical numbers of healthy offspring. Mice on higher doses of the drug, or treated for longer, were slower to recover, but they, too, regained their prowess within one to three months.
That is welcome news for drug development. At the moment, research into male contraceptives has focused on testosterone-based drugs. They have drawbacks: higher levels of testosterone might increase the risk of prostate cancer or have knock-on behavioural effects (anabolic steroids, which mimic testosterone in the body, have been linked to “roid rage”). Worse, testosterone’s contraceptive effects are not uniform across populations. It appears to work better among Chinese men, for instance, than Caucasians.
The next step for Dr Matzuk and his team will be to tweak the structure of the drug so that it dovetails even more snugly with BRDT. This ought to minimise the odds of its own undesirable side effects. If all goes to plan, Dr Matzuk thinks, a human version the drug might be available to men within a decade. Womenfolk can’t wait to see him proved right.
Here are my Masturbatory numbers for June:
General Sexual Attivity: 0,57. So 3,99 times a week.
General Masturbation: 0,53. So 3,71 times a week.
I also recorded how many time I masturbated to porn: 0.33. So 2,31 times a week and 62% of my General Masturbation.
I only had sex once last month, due to the break down of my last relationship, which shuck me up quite a bit. I’m seeing a new girl who’s a virgin. We haven’t had sex yet, but we’ve done everything else. She actually has made me cum using her hand, which only 2 women before have managed to do before. I think this signals that I’m quite comfortable with her and perhaps just more comfortable with myself. I’ve started to do press ups, sit ups and weight lifts to try and tone up before I go back to Uni in October. I’m stick of being a weakling!
FYI: This is not mine. I found it on Fetlife and thought I’d share it (source: https://fetlife.com/users/1001349/posts/931729)
**The Politics of Fucking
aka
50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.**
*1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.
*2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.
*3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.
*4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.
*5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.
*6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.
*7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.
*8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counseling.
*9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.
*10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.
*11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.
*12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.
*13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.
*14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.
*15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.
*16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.
*17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.
*18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.
*19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.
*20. Dissing quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.
*21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.
*22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.
*23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.
*24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.
*25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.
*26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.
*27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when hes touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.
*28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?
*29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.
*30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.
*31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.
*32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.
*33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.
*34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.
*35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.
*36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making love”. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.
*37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.
*38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).
*39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.
*40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.
*41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.
*42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.
*43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.
*44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.
*45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.
*46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.
*47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.
*48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.
*49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it happens to every guy”. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling “Forget it” and rolling over are not ok.
*50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.
That is all.
Here are my masturbation numbers for April. The daily rate was 0,6, which is a fair bit worse than February and March. That’s about 4,2 times a week. I also took account of sex as well so to record all of my sexual behaviour and see were I stand there. For April I was either masturbating or having sexual intercourse 0,86 daily, so about 6 times a week. Knowing this I essentially need to half my sexual activity, so just do less masturbation again :p
Thank again to Castimonia for this one!
He sent me a link to a sex addiction survey online (http://castimonia.org/2012/04/16/am-i-a-sex-addict/) and I have to admit the result were quite shocking.
In addition there are certain subscales to further confirm that a problem exists. The following patterns emerged in your answers:
- A profile consistent with men who struggle with sexually compulsive behavior
- A profile consistent with women who struggle with sexually compulsive behavior
- A profile consistent with homosexual men who struggle with sexually compulsive behavior
- A profile consistent with sex addicts who struggle with sexually compulsive behavior on-line
The SAST measures key characteristics of addiction. The following dimensions of an addictive disorder appeared in your answers:
- Preoccupation: obsessive thinking about sexual behavior, opportunities, and fantasies
- Loss of control: inability to stop behavior despite commitments to self and others and despite problems caused by behavior
- Relationship disturbance: sexual behavior has created significant relationship problems
- Affect disturbance: significant depression, despair, or anxiety over sexual behavior
It seems to be fairly accurate, apart from the homosexual man bit. Most importantly for me it picked up anxiety and my online behavior. On the chart they have I scored 14, where it says most addicts score above 6! So presumably I’m more than double that of an addict just over the line. It puts all this into perspective, and gives me a bit of a heads up on the psychological side of all this.
I was thinking the other night, what would my habits be like if my girlfriend was out of the equation. I’m currently masturbating about 3-4 a week, but having sex on the side. Without the sex would I masturbate more? More than likely yes, I reckon my habit might go back to how it was, masturbating around once a day. So have I really made much progress in the first place, or was the 21 Days I spent keeping my hand away from my zipper worth the effort?
I feel I know my problem better than before, which is a big help to identify what I’m feeling and how to deal with it. I know when I want to look at porn (like now) rather than simply masturbate (which would involve watching porn anyway). I think the real problem for me now is that I don’t know quite how to proceed from here. How do I cut back further? How do I help myself towards a happier, healthier sex life?
So my weekly average is about 3,15 times. It seems to be holding steady at about 4 so hopefully try and get it down and keep it down.
On the sex front everything’s going smoothly. I’m cumming first time no problem, the second take a little more effort, but it’s a damn sight better than it was. I haven’t really felt the need to masturbate in front of porn for the past week, it doesn’t seem to be getting to me like it did.
I found this site when I was first looking for ways to cut down, it’s from a Islamic source, but it’s got some good practical tips of how to avoid masturbating:
Curtailing Masturbation 