I’ve been looking at my masturbatory habits for around a year and a half now so I thought it might be time to take a general overview of how I think everything has gone and how I should proceed. For November and December I masturbated to porn 7 times in each month. Previously it had only been a couple of times a month. I was thinking about this last night and wondering whether it was such a bad thing in grand scheme of things. My original reason for wanting to curtail my masturbatory habits was because of my sexual dysfunction of not being able to come to orgasm during sex with girlfriends. My frequent, regular and habitual masturbation had desensitised not only my penis, but also my mind to sexual intercourse.
Through self-reflection and self-discipline I believe I have solved this problem. Since I started analysing my masturbatory patterns and started to cut back and reduce my masturbation to graphic porn I have been able to cum whilst having sex with my sexual partners. From this singular objective I have been successful. I have become a sexually mature man and have shuck off the detrimental patterns of my teenage years. (Please excuse any psycho-babel, I have been watching series after series of Frasier).
I was watching a sex education programme a couple of weeks ago. It was produced in the early 2000s and presented by two female sex therapists (I forget the name of the show). The topic of the programme was masturbation, so I thought it would be worth a watch. One point they made early on was not to think of masturbation as masturbation, but rather as “manual sex”. Whether with a partner or on your own they considered masturbation as sex first and foremost. I’m not completely sure I agree with them, but I thought it was an interesting idea I would share. Also during the programme they did an informal survey of male masturbatory habits. Almost all the men they interviewed masturbated multiple times a day, sometimes upto four or five times. When I started to become concerned I was masturbating at an average rate of 0,8 times a day, which compared with the above statistics appears minimal, and compared with how I’m doing now I almost appear celibate! I have no idea how much the average man in the UK masturbates and usually distrust figures that claim to attest to such knowledge. Either way it seems to me that I have my masturbation under control, and in such a way that it does not affect my sex life; which is the whole reason I started this quest.
My foray into tantric masturbation has been the result of a bit of mission creep on my part, but I think it could be something to look into if you have the time and patience. Being in my third year of University it is difficult to find the free time, peace and quiet (living in a house with three other guys) to meditate and progress. The distinction between orgasm and ejaculation in this (and other) disciplines is a helpful one to learn and get used to if you want to enjoy masturbation or partner sex with some ‘added extras’. Frankly ejaculatory control is an excellent tool to have in the bag if you can master it. Another important thing I’ve learned from this is about kegel/pelvic floor muscles. The regular exercise of the ‘clinching’ muscle (the one you use if you want to stop urinating mid-flow) is often recommended to women who suffer, or are likely to suffer, from incontinence. For men it is also used for the same reason, but a strong kegel muscle can also be used to enhance sex. This is done by using the muscle to regulate orgasms and prevent ejaculation. I won’t go into detail here, but search around and you’ll find plenty of information to do with ejaculatory control and kegel muscles. Despite learning interesting ‘sex tips’, I wouldn’t recommend tantric masturbation for someone who thinks they are suffering from a similar dysfunction as I was. It is tricky and could lead to you becoming obsessed with reaching the goal of multiple orgasms rather than becoming a sexually mature man, as you may have simply shifted your compulsive pornographic masturbation to compulsive tantric masturbation. “HANDLE WITH CARE” would be my disclaimer.
Next I’d like to deal with a few things that castimonia said in a comment on a previous post. Firstly I’d like to say I have really appreciated his insights and comments on this blog, but a couple of differences on our approach to this have surfaced and I think it would be helpful to point them out. In the first paragraph of the comment he talks about remaining “abstinent from ANY sexuality for a period of 30 to 90 days” including sex (of any kind) with a partner. My goal here it not to destroy or eliminate my sexuality, far from it. My aim is to enhance it. I have done masturbatory abstinence periods before, but all I found them useful for is proving to myself that I didn’t need to masturbate regularly or frequently. Admittedly this is good knowledge to have and is worth doing, but I don’t think it is necessary to sacrifice your entire sexual existence. A period of abstinence from masturbation (particularly from pornography) is helpful and I would recommend doing it for a period of around 21 days or a month, but if you are a single man or in the early stages of a relationship allow yourself the ability to have sex. So long as it is not compulsive or obsessive you should be fine.
On the second paragraph I do agree that my mind has been warped by pornography and the sexualised media of our time. Truth be told I have become more attracted to her, but I do think the relationship may have run it’s course. The second point I also agree with if I was searching for a compatible life partner. I have been with and met women who were gorgeous, but with awful temperaments and personalities. If I was after a long term relationship I would put personality over looks, but as it stands now, that’s not what I’m after. I believe I can allow myself a little vanity when it comes to choosing a girlfriend. I’d like to congratulate castimonia for getting married and I hope he has a happy and fulfilling life.
In the third paragraph he mentions sex not just being about orgasms. The reason I do most things is because I enjoy them and it is the same for sex, and dare I say, masturbation. Because I am not in the same kind of relationship as him I feel we have a different approach to the “goal” of sex. To him it’s an affirmation of love and commitment, but to me it’s about the raw pleasure and thrill that sex brings. I don’t mean to say that one is better than the other, simply that we think about it differently, and a young single man shouldn’t miss out on the opportunity to learn about himself that sex with a partner brings. Without sex I would never have considered my masturbatory habits to be compulsive or obsessive and be spurred on to curtail them.